It is always such an interesting transition to come down from a show. Every time I have slept in the last 4 days I have dreamt about the show, or the kids in the show. This morning I had my alarm set and every time it went off I eventually noticed that I was testing myself to see if I could mentally navigate the entire show without missing a scene. Each time the alarm went off, I started again at the beginning and tried to get through it before the snooze wore off. After 8 or 10 times of this I realized what was happening and begged the sleep god to let me rest without the show for a few minutes. This afternoon I got to take a nap - aaahhh - and when I started to wake up I realized I was hearing "I know things now" in my sleep and reblocking the scene. The other night I dreamt about a big fight that all of the kids were having. It goes on and on. So... I suppose it will really be over when I wake up Woodsless one morning.
I guess its not really that I miss the show specifically or the kids or the experience even, but more there is a space in my time, my mind, my heart dare I say, where the show used to be. And now there isn't anything there. What will I put there? How will I fill the void? I started reading a book about exercise and nutrition in the last few days and I guess part of me wants to fill it with that. Heaven knows it will take a monumental amount of emotional energy to find the will power to do some of the physical things I'd like to tackle. I finished the book this afternoon - right before and after dozing off for my nap - and my gut reaction to it was to eat strawberry shortcake for dinner and then 4 or 5 more pieces while I watched 2 1/2 movies before bed. I did walk the hill today. Semi-virtuous.
I'd like to be someone I'm not good at being. An organized and doting house wife and mother. Organized house wife, doting mother. I lack discipline. I'm happy to do the laundry once a week, and clean out a drawer quarterly. I garden every other year, and rotate food storage with about the same amount of frequency. I adore my children. I love having them around when I am doing what I want to do. They are always invited into my life. But I want to be invited into theirs. I want to watch carefully and see what they choose and then help with that. I want to do more than adore and love, -- I want to dote and smother. And I want to do 3.2 loads of laundry each day, make a hot dinner daily, zone clean one area of the house each week, work in the garden 3 hours a week and then 2 hours on Saturday. I want to exercise 45 minutes, 6 days a week, read uplifting books 30-90 minutes a day, clean out the desk and drawers, answer email, work on family history, eat only fruits and vegetables and whole grains found only at Whole Foods, and ....
But I'm afraid of being bored. I want to be good at being bored. It will take some practice. And then I won't be bored. I will be fulfilled. Right? Right. ?
So, this is what may fill the void. All of that stuff. All of the stuff I've pined for over the last 7 months. I finally get to do it.
I wish...
No, I don't wish. I want...
No, I don't want. I am. I will be.
Oh... to be different. To want what is now. What is here. What is mine.
I'm grateful. ......only grateful.
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