There are moments,... nights,.... some afternoons,.... even a morning here or there.... when I feel to write for so long and so rapidly to simply exhume the thoughts and layers of consciousness that I've packed away for months... years... Let's be honest, I can pack deep in mere minutes.
I am hyper-feeling. What is a scientific name for that? Overly emotional? Melodramatic? Temperamental? Filled with Angst? That's my least favorite one right now. See how all of those terms are negative? What are the positive ones?
Right now, I'm trying to avoid what I'm feeling low and deep by superficial deflecting and distraction. That's good right? Cause if I can get past a few emotions without having to examine them or sit in them or look at them and weep.... That would be.... better. Right?
Why do we cry? How does Darwin explain it? I'm sure he does, and I would love to hear the explanation. Maybe he and I agree. I think that pride leaves the body through tears. And maybe Darwin would support an idea that those who are carrying around less pride live longer or breed better. Why do we cry when someone else cries? Is it the same reason we laugh when someone else laughs? Or yawns when someone else yawns? If the emotion is let out of the jar into the room, we all take it in and go with it. Well some do. I do. Oi. I wish I could breathe in a little less. I wish I could hang on to a baseline longer.
Baseline - I'm loved and appreciated. This is the baseline I would choose. It's very empowering and makes me look outside myself almost immediately.
This isn't working. My stomach still hurts and my heart is racing and my breathing is.... Well, I'm tired too. Maybe that's the best thing to do in this situation. Sleep. Yes.
I'm going to watch golf with Rich. I love watching golf with Rich. He's so restful and untroubled, and the slumber arrives like a beloved guest coming in the middle of the night, sneaking in and rocking me gently saying - I am here, all is well. And I tell you what - golf is in Pebble Beach this week. I couldn't be happier to watch golf when the surf is flickering in the background. Every once in a while I get lucky and someone hits a ball into the water and we get to see the coastline even longer. And then there are the Cypress trees and the tall pines, and I start to smell it and remember that somehow all is healed on that coast. A few minutes with my toes in the cold sand, the sun spilling on my face and I remember... I'm loved and appreciated. Baseline. Rest.
Hush.
"Why are ye troubled and why do thoughts arise in your heart?"
