I'm a witness.

"Everybody is original if he tells the truth. – about who he really is, and not who he thinks he should be." - Ueland, If You Want To Write

What a tricky concept.  I am battling all the time with who I am and who I want to be. Wait no - the sentence says "who I should be".  What is the difference between want and should?  Its' true that the should definitely fills in bits of the want. Where does should come from?  Desire, hope, expectation, relationships, comparisons, wishing, obligation, duty.  Should is what comes around when I want something in the future that I don't want to work for today.  So I should.  Should comes around when I know someone else's experience will be effected by my efforts, and I care about them - obviously, so I have to kick in should in order to beat selfishness.   Ok - so should may not be as cheerful as want - but it probably maintains the overall health of humanity.  I should go to work.  I should pay my bills.  I should make dinner for the children.

But in matters of truth - in matters of telling the truth - I think should is based on what we've seen or heard from someone else.  We see the success of others and are drawn into the same paths.  It makes sense I suppose, but it's not necessary - especially if you aren't interested in acclaim or money or well-knownness.  Not everyone's originality is going to sell books, make blockbusters or be a social hit. And yet, we want to tell a story that is interesting that is worth the telling.  Cause we want to live a life that's worth living.

We want to make a difference.  Isn't that something?  We want the world to be different because we were here.  I wonder why.  Does it need to be different?  Do we assume that things are out of order enough that we should change the world?  Maybe it's a misguided innate desire in us to want to change ourselves.  Maybe we don't need to change the world - we need to change ourselves.  It probably seems easier to change the world than to change ourselves. Isn't that something?

I'm original if I say who I am, all the pretty and unlovely parts, with all the honesty and the tragic sections, and then illustrate from that starting point, my changing.  I become a witness.  I'm a quiet, glorious, powerful, unique witness.  A witness of perhaps the most human beauty, change.