Dumb.

I read a book last week about health in the last third of your life.

I’m left wondering whether or not I’m in the last third of my life.

I suppose if I die by the time I’m 60, then yes – the next twenty

years will be the last third of my life. But my plan is to live well into my 90’s

(and really, why not to 100? but after that seems excessive and kind

of braggy) and so I won’t be entering the last third of my life until

I’m 60 and so that means that right now I’m not even half way

finished. Thinking that I might learn again as much as I’ve learned

so far is all at once thrilling, exhausting, daunting and a mighty

relief. Because really I don’t feel like I know very many things.

Frank Lloyd Wright said “The trick is to grow up without growing old.” (I like so much of what Frank Lloyd Wright did – amazing architect and thinker. I really don’t admire the way he went about loving women.) How are they different?

Kipling’s IF resonates when I think about growing up.

He says you are grown up “if you…

… can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you;


If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,


But make allowance for their doubting too:


If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,


If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;


If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster


And treat those two impostors just the same."

It really is moderation isn’t it?

And moderation with the moderation too. Not

getting caught up, carried away, or drowning in any one thing –

but then, to be sure to experience getting caught up

and carried away – some way, some time.

Richard Dreyfuss said “part of me is still waiting to grow up,

to be an adult, and the other part knows there is no such thing.”

No such thing as a grown up? Someone who is all the way ….

finished? Yes, I agree. ING. It will always be ING.

Sometimes we grow out and sideways and in

circles and upside down even. I suppose it all counts.

I sure hope it does, cause it is hard work – the ING.

We must become a creature that wants to change

and does not fear it.

Every time I sit with my grandmother,

she pats my knee and rocks back and says “well,

everything is going to be just fine.” No matter the topic,

no matter the weight, she knows everything is going

to be just fine. How does she know that? Somewhere in all of

those years, she learned that we can’t own it and we can’t know it

and we can’t even mess it up.

We get to the end of the

movie and realize that it really did end just the way we

thought it would. It took unexpected turns and twists,

but the end was just what we thought it would be.

I’m quite convinced that part of the age game is coping with watching the people

around you age. Nothing makes me feel older than celebrating the

birthday of one of my children. Particularly the oldest and the

youngest. I have been known to pine for more children so that

I could feel younger. If I have an infant in my arms, somehow

I am also at the beginning. Why am I so afraid of being in the middle?

You know – I’d really love a crack at the beginning now that I know

what I know from the middle. But then my middle would be

different because I would change the beginning, and then maybe I wouldn't know what I know from the middle.

Within my social structure, I can find many age groups. Its invigorating and maddening. I spend a lot of time with kids

between 13 and 15, and then add my very own 14, 16 and 17 year olds, and I've got a world teeming with teenagers. They make me doubt my ability to reason. They make me question my every thought and I also

see life afresh and with hope and possibility. And they make me laugh.

Due to unique circumstances I also have a group of friends in their 20’s and early 30’s. This group makes me restless. This is the group that urges me to want to start over and try it again. But I know it would take about 8 tries to really get it right, so I think I’m happier just moving forward. Strangely, I pass around advice to this group. I want to stop. I just want to pat their knees and tell them that everything is going to be alright. They are doing things differently than me and sometimes I reel in jealousy. That’s pretty dumb. I have everything I wish and we don’t all wish the same wishes. But sometimes I wonder if someone else’s wishes would look good on me.

Yep – dumb.

We are dumb.

Born dumb, live dumb, die dumb.

Maybe the secret is to be ok with all the dumb. My dumb – your dumb – his…

And live anyway.

Jump anyway.

Fly anyway.

Cry anyway.

I’m not afraid. Not even of my very own dumb. Well, I’m trying at least. Maybe by the time I’m in my last third… or sixth…. or eighteenth, I won’t be afraid of anything dumb.