We don't speak English in America

2011 was a return to the mother tongue and I realized just how far I've strayed from dear old mum. In June and July we got to live with Alex and I began wanting to make a list of all of the words that we didn't understand (especially at a particular moment that Al was stood at the fridge). Weren't we all speaking English? No, not really. I suppose they speak English since they're from England and we'll have to suffer with the sad reality that by default we speak American. Generally, American is not as cute, it's not as quirky and it's not as posh as English. And I think they have 8 times more ways to say "idiot" than we do. Then Charly came to stay. And while it wasn't long enough, it proved enough time to actually start a list. And by now we had Alex back and she brought Pete too and so we all could contribute to the list. I'm sure there are many words and phrases we've yet to discover, but the point of the list is not intended to be comprehensive (could it ever be? I guess that would be a dictionary) but it's to remind me of my dear friends and great moments brought to light by translating English to English. OK! English to American. And vice versa.

When driving, Americans use their blinkers and the English use indicators. The hood is the bonnet and the trunk is the boot. You would use your satnav to get directions, not a GPS. Wing instead of fender and you'd park in a car park instead of a parking lot. A lorry is a big truck and a caravan is an RV or a camping trailer. While Americans could drive a stick or a manual, in England you would only drive a manual (and you'd actually need a special license). You'd go faster by pushing on the accelerator, not the gas pedal. (Accelerator, Brake, Clutch - ABC, makes more sense than CBGP) If you need a ride in England, be sure to ask for a lift. Be sure.

Once you satnav your way to your flat, then there are a bunch of other things to translate. You might walk through the yard in America, but you would walk through the garden in England. Charly told me once she was going to go out into the back garden to read and I had to disappoint her by telling her our yard doesn't have a garden. But she was just looking for a piece of grass - that was enough to make it a garden. If you are going to the basement in the dark to check on the air con, you take a torch in England. Take a flashlight in America to check on the AC. To do English dishes you'll use washing up liquid and you'll Hoover the room. Q-tips, Kleenex and Scotch tape is to cotton buds, tissue, and cellotape as Hoover is to vacuum. I suppose its fair. If you want to clean it up very quickly you'll blitz it. Laundry and groceries are American; washing and shopping are English. But you can also do your washing at a launderette (laundry mat). You get water from a tap in England, never a faucet. (Charly has a point - why do we go to the kitchen faucet to get tap water?) Cling film covers left overs. An English baby may need a new nappy or a dummy to make him feel better. We'd change his diaper or give him a pacifier. Or maybe he needs a ride in a push chair, or if he's very little, a pram. We'd take him in a stroller no matter how big he was. Of course you'd take the nappy to the rubbish bin. But rubbish is used as a noun and an adjective in English. "I'm rubbish at tennis." "I'm garbage at tennis" doesn't quite work out does it? Napkin is problematic, but not fatal.

A brolly will be helpful when it's tippin it down. Or rather an umbrella when it's pouring rain. Best to have a plaster in your hand bag just in case. Or have a band aid in your purse. Put invitations to the hen do in the post in England and put invitations to the bachelorette party in the mail in America. And don't throw a shower of any kind in England, they won't know what it's for. But you could have a knee's up if you just want to party and dance with some friends.

Explaining restroom vernacular is common among American and English friends. The only bath rooms in England have baths in them. So you wouldn't ask to go to the bathroom if you really needed to go to the toilet - you need a toilet - not a bath. You could also ask to go to the WC, but maybe most commonly you'd go to the loo. They even call it a porta-loo. Which I'll admit sounds nicer than the porta-potty. Let's clarify - the American folk song "Lou, Lou, Skip to my Lou" refers to a girl, not "loo, loo, skip to the loo." Let's go have tea... (dinner).

How did we get so confused about food? Courgette - Zucchini. Aubergine - Egg plant. Coriander - Cilantro. Cherries and peaches have stones, not pits. A scone is a biscuit and a biscuit is a cookie. They don't have cookies. Buns don't ever refer to your grandma's back side - only to her rolls in the oven. There isn't a distinction in England between jam made from the fruit juice and jam made from the fruit itself. It's all jam, cause jelly is jell-o. Pudding is dessert. Any kind of dessert. (Cookies can be pudding, I mean biscuits.) And cakes could be pudding. So, what's actual pudding? They don't know. Can't sort it out. We do know that angel delight is dream whip. But, that's not pudding is it? Oh yeah - and a Yorkshire pudding - a hollow pastry shell reminiscent of an American scone, but baked not fried. Not like pudding at all, its savory. Oh yes - and then there is savory. I think this is an English word that Americans use lately to sound... not American. Savory is the opposite of sweet. But it includes more than just salty, and it certainly isn't limited to soup or fancy dinner. Something that is sour in America is sharp in England. (Confusing to talk about sharp cheddar - no, not sour cheddar - sharp..... ummm.... aged. Yes - aged cheddar.) Something that is tart is bitter. A fizzy drink is a soda, but sprite is called lemonade, and lemonade is called traditional lemonade. (Why not call sprite sprite and lemonade lemonade? One for America.) And then there is squash. We don't have squash. It's juice from liquid concentrate. And it's yummy. WHY don't we have squash? A lolli is a sucker and sweets are candy. Oh, one of my favorites is eggy bread. Why should they give the french credit for something so delish? They don't. So they call it like it is - eggy bread. The next time you pick up your shopping in England, you'll push a trolley.

In the morning, one must sort out what to wear. Some of these are fantastic. Let's just talk about underwear right off. (Skip this section if you think I am above talking about underwear - let's maintain images here.) Underwear is underwear whether in England or America. So we have that in common. But the English also call underwear - pants or knickers. Quite awkward when visiting America to hear people talking about getting a hole in their pants, or getting their pants dirty or their pants being too tight. I'm assured by Loren that in sports it is more common to call trousers pants - like ski pants or cargo pants. Is this American influence? (Two for us) Within the specifics of underwear comes one of my happiest discoveries - Y fronts. Tighty-whiteys of course. (Charly kept calling them tiny-whiteys on accident, and Richard would have none of that.) One of my favorite English phrases - don't get your knickers in a twist. The American version of that seems quite crass. I'll leave it off. (Alex will want to know why I won't include the American version, but I will include the crass knickers version. American ears - sorry.) So in England you put on pants, and then trousers over them. You'd put on braces if you wanted to hold them up (suspenders) and a jumper if you thought it would be cold out (sweater - which is kind of a gross word if you think about it). Wellies for rain (galoshes), a swimming costume for swimming (as if you've had a change of character as well), trainers for comfort (tennis shoes - what's so special about tennis?, or sneakers - is that because they allow you to walk quietly?), football boots are soccer cleats, your vest is a waist coat, you may have a peak on your hat (brim), and sadly you could get a ladder in your stockings (run in your tights). All of this would be stored in your wardrobe in England and your closet in America. A closet - like a coat closet or a hall closet or a linen closet or a storage closet are all called cupboards. (Charly - closet is American.) Sometimes Charly would come and help me at school. I'd banish her to the little room in the back where she would work on my choral library. She always said she was working in the cupboard. I had a charming image of a little Charly working away amidst the plates and cups, next to the salt shaker and the Biscoff.

Well, (are you tired yet?) to rent is to hire, to sluff is to skive, to sleep in is to have a lie in, to like something is to fancy it and general horse play is legging it around. To pee is to wee (which can also be used for something small, so I guess if you didn't really have to go it would be a wee wee. sorry.)

In case you need to be mean, you could call someone an idiot by saying they were a plonker or a muppet. (I never heard Charly say these things, we learned these from Pete.) If you are crazy someone might call you a nutter in England. And if you are snotty, they'll definitely call you cheeky. A git is worse than a jerk, but not quite as bad as using a swear word. Somewhere in between. A cheeky git is really mean, so watch yourself. If you are feeling happy about something or excited, you are well chuffed. If something goes wrong, it's all gone pear shaped, or you've made a pig's ear out of it. "Pants!" is an exclamation close to "Darn!", which is funny because you are really saying "underwear!" If you have the nibbles you are feeling peckish (every night after rehearsal). If someone is getting on your nerves they are doin' your head in. If you stole something, you pinched it or knicked it. Taking the Mick out of someone is to mock them, often in a subtle way. If you are exhausted, you could be flat out or knackered.

Here are some personal favorites: Ta! or Cheers! (Thanks with a little extra personal connection), Oi! (this can mean all manner of things - wow!, goodness!, oh no!, holy cow!, zowie!). When someone in America asks you, "you alright?" we assume that maybe the person has noticed something isn't alright, or you've just experienced something scary like a roller coaster, or maybe you were crying or out of breath. In England its the same as saying "how are ya?", so you don't need to worry that you are putting out a desperate vibe. It took me a while to learn this. Darren taught me. Charly asks a lot "what you playin' at?" And we really couldn't translate it into American very well. We tried with "who do you think you are?", "what are you trying to pull off?", and "what are you saying Mary, what are you saying?" None of them stand on their own. The English are very polite and would never respond by saying "what?" or "huh?". They would say "pardon me?" or "could you repeat that?". ("Fancy a snog?", "pardon me?") We do have at least one of our own - "in a funk". Oh yeah, and Charly didn't understand me when I said I "snowed" the kids. If you want to compare apples and oranges in England, you would actually compare chalk and cheese. And yes - they are more different than apples and oranges... which are both fruit. And my all time favorite - wanna preach to the choir? Then you'll have to teach grandmas how to suck eggs. Priceless.

To be asked to mime something in England doesn't necessarily mean you should put on white gloves and do the stuck-in-a-small-space routine, it just means you should mouth it. Instead of coming over, you would come round, and an English person will give you a bell when they want to call you up. But they will knock you up when they want to come to your house. Oh boy. Cell phones are American. The English exclusively use mobile phones. A pimple is something you get on your arms when you are cold - like a goose pimple, but a pimple like the spot on your face is just that - a spot. Most of us are already endeared to the term bobby for a police officer. Nothing sounds more American than "cop", well - maybe "pinky". In England it's your little finger and that is all. A geezer isn't an old man, it's a cool guy. That could be confusing. A bloke is a dude and 75 quid is like 75 bucks. (Except you'd have to take into account the exchange rate...) You go on holiday instead of taking a vacation. Bleachers are only called stands. (Why do we call them bleachers?) If you are sick in England then you are ill, and if you puke then you've gotten sick. I don't think the phrase throw up is common either, just based on hearing Charly tell someone she had puked up. She made valiant efforts to communicate. On to happier things - Father Christmas is Santa Claus and of course football is soccer and American football is football. Yes, yes - it's very reasonable. Americans use the word ocean more often than sea and the English use the word sea more often than ocean. I find that a telling tidbit about the two cultures. Oh yeah, tidbit. No tidbits in England. Maybe that's our one quirky word. If you lose a stone, you've lost about 14 pounds. That's a big stone. The alphabet is basically the same except for z. Zee vs. Zed.

At a sleep over the kids might sleep top and tail in order to fit on the bed - head to foot.

A movie in England is a film and you see it at a cinema. Ok, yes - more cultured than "movies". BUT then there are baddys and goodys. Yep. Good guys and bad guys. Those poor bad guys. How could you ever been taken seriously if you were called a baddy? Can you really call Sauron a baddy?

A fancy dress party in England is a costume party. I think Charly lived in constant fear of being invited to a fancy dress party in America and wearing a hobbit costume while everyone else was in ball gowns. I assured her we wouldn't even call that event a fancy dress party. We'd call it prom or something and I would be sure she didn't go to prom in a hobbit costume. A do is an event or party, and you can have a hen do for a bride to be and a stagg do for a groom to be. (Yes, hen - like a chicken.) If you are amused by the names, just ask your favorite English friend what you might do at a hen do or a stagg do. That is even more fun. Especially stagg dos. (is that the plural?) Its similar to a bachelor party, but with some important differences.

In England you go to college when you are 16 or so, and then you go to University. That's it. Don't try to explain any further. It doesn't line up with American schooling. Its a bit wonky.

Most problematic award?

Chips and fries. Crisps and chips. A dear friend once ate the fries off someone's plate because he had ordered chips for everyone. She didn't realize it was the basket of tortilla chips she had been invited to eat - not the fries off of his plate. Problematic.

Charly never had a charlie horse until she came to America. Until then she just had cramps. If it's mingin or mankey its gross. If it's skewiff its crooked, and if its posh, it's fancy or proper.

Nothing is as fun as hearing Alex tell you that something is brilliant. BRILLIANT!

More endearing phrases:

Alex says left, right and center to mean all over the place. And someone got on like a house on fire. (It's not what it sounds like.) Charly calls mosquitoes, "mozzys". Ask her to say kabob and pasta too - strange change in pronunciation. Aluminum and produce are also fun to hear. "Just stood there" - "Just standing there". Who knew the conjugation of that verb was correct? I didn't believe Mrs. Hastings in 9th grade english. Well, - she knew what she was talking about. It's proper English. Proper - correct, ligit, totally, major, real. Proper chips, proper burger, proper tired, proper scared, proper annoyed, proper gown, proper proper proper. sigh. Charly's not fussed. And she's not bothered. And that's why its so soothing to have her in the house.

And... maybe that's the end of my list. Well, technically Pete has listed some Welsh, Irish and Scottish phrases, but I suspect that will earn it's own post someday. We're still working.

Heaven bless my friends across the pond. Charly and I discovered its an ocean. Well, a sea. Whatever.