You said almost, almost ago.

That about sums it up right now. Jessicaism. There are a growing number of them. And they are funny and accurate.

This post may have a twitter feel. Not on purpose, but simply because about one phrase is the end of my emotional depth tonight. Why does that happen?

I love driving a stick shift. Love it. LOVE it. I learned on Anita's car Charlie and I am SO grateful to her for being patient with me and sticking it out so to speak. What is it about switching gears? Control. Darn. I'm afraid it might be a control thing with me. Probably. Well, that about ruins it.

Corinne just got out of the shower and is standing in the kitchen wrapped in a towel eating chocolate chip cookies. It's charming.

Why do I love breakfast so much? Why does eating something besides cereal make me feel like I might as well be living in a beach house in California? I love cream cheese french toast, hashbrowns, hot chocolate and fruit salad. If I was on death row, this would be my last meal.

BUT that meal has a lot of calories and I CAN NOT seem to be able to get back on track with my eating. I'm out of control. It's depressing. It may be THE reason I'm writing tonight.

The leaves are starting to grow on the trees. It makes me giddy. The only part about it that makes me sad is that soon we won't be able to see the temple from our window. Too many leaves. But it's worth it. It's like Orion.

Could it really be as simple as the weather? The weather deserves its very own post. Maybe it's very own blog. Could it really be that all I've needed was the spring? Some dirt? Some green? Some sun? That's it? And in the middle of August I'll be tempted to give my right hand for a storm. Something that will abate the constant light. Something gray and moody. Something unpredictable and crazed. But right now... sign me up for a forever of days of 70 and breezy.

I wish I wanted to be a reader.
I wish I wanted to be a yoga girl.
I wish I wanted to be a vegetarian.
I wish I wanted to lose 10 lbs.
I wish I wanted to run a marathon.
I wish I wanted to learn to play the cello.
I wish I wanted to get off facebook forever.
I wish I wanted to have a clean house.
I wish I wanted...............

But I don't.

So.... I'll watch movies, remain curious, enjoy burgers, heft extra weight, walk, sing, log on and sit and think just a little longer.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight red balloon.
~Emily

PS - Next time I'll talk about how freaked out I am about the age of my children and the corresponding age of their parents. Goodness grief. (Jessicaism)

Come and Claim Your Blessings

I just finished reading The Holy Temple by Boyd K. Packer. It was an intellectual and spiritual feast. Truly. I started it a long time ago - more than a year probably, but lately I have been anxious to read it and finish it and tonight I just couldn't put it down - reading the last 4 chapters. I am looking forward to starting it over tomorrow. There is so much that I want to remember. And there are a few things I want to record tonight.
"Come to the temple - come and claim your blessings. It is a sacred work. Of this I give my witness." - Boyd K. Packer
"I have long since learned that there are no special compelling words set aside to be used only by the Brethren in the bearing of testimony. We use the ordinary words. They are often very inadequate to convey the very depth of feelings." - Boyd K. Packer
"I think I am finally beginning to understand." David O. McKay not long before he died.
"I will not say, as do many, that the more I learn the more I am satisfied that I know nothing; for the more I learn the more I discern an eternity of knowledge to improve upon." Brigham Young
"If we so live that our minds are free from worry and our conscience is clear and our feelings are right toward one another, the operation of the Spirit of the Lord upon our spirit is as real as when we pick up the telephone. If we are worried about something and upset in our feelings, the inspiration does not come." Harold B. Lee paraphrasing David O. McKay
"Of course you can not force spiritual things. The Lord said that such things as these come in His own time and in His own way and according to His own will; and if we will live as we should and endeavor to keep His commandments, what ought to happen to us can happen to us." Body K. Packer
"I know of no other work in the Church more conducive to spiritual refinement and communication than temple and genealogical work. In this work our hearts and our minds are turned to those beyond the veil. Such a work helps us to sharpen our spiritual sensitivities." Boyd K. Packer
"The spirit of revelation is in connection with these blessings. A person may profit by noticing the first intimation of the spirit of revelation; for instance, when you feel pure intelligence flowing into you, it may give you sudden strokes of ideas, so that by noticing it, you may find it fulfilled the same day or soon; those things that were presented unto your minds by the Spirit of God, will come to pass, and thus by learning the Spirit of God and understanding it, you may grow into the principle of revelation, until you become perfect in Christ Jesus." Joseph Smith.
I would add my witness. And express my gratitude that these words were read this particular week and after great requests for peace and understanding. Granted.
~Emily~

Resting in the sunshine.

There are times when we finally come to a balance. Balancing is hard. I've done the NY ballet work out the last few days (David loves doing it with me - he comes flying in from somewhere in the house as soon as he hears the dulcet tones) and really all you do with your arms is hold them aloft. You don't jab or punch or lift or stretch - just hold them aloft. Balance. And it is tough. They start shaking and you are certain they have something like hamhocks hanging from them. Nope. It's just hard to stay balanced for a long time. Builds strength.
Is the year balanced if its one way for winter and the other way for summer? Is the day balanced if you are awake for some and sleep for some? Is the diet balanced if there is a little broccoli and one oreo? Is the decade balanced if finally at the end there is some clarity? I say yes.
Douglas said this yesterday - In the end it'll be alright. If it's not alright then it's not the end.
I'm grateful God gave us so long to find balance.
And I think I'm on my way to some long fought balance soon. In moments - in days - in a few weeks. I will rest in the sunshine. I will soon have lady bugs crawling all over me.

Lunch

Jessica: *belch*
David: (disgusted) JESSIE! You are a woman. You do not burp.
Jessica: Sexist.
David: Who said anything about sex? Oh, yeah remember the time I saw mom and dad kissing, well you know... sick. Hey mom, you should have another baby. As long as its a girl.

Knowing child. Funny lunch.

I know + I feel = I am

Therapy.

Some love the flowers because they hold them in their hands. And some love the flowers because they don't. It's the negative print. Both love. I've learned as much about what I love from what I haven't experienced as from what I have.
Music is for that I think. Music is for feeling things that don't belong to us. Music is so we can dance in emotions that won't naturally find us. It speaks and we feel what we haven't experienced.

Falling in love is finding a defining relationship.

We have to qualify the raw information we get from God with a human sieve. That's allowed. And sometimes it's confusing. And that's allowed too.

Some relationships can't be put in human boxes. We should be honored to find some of those in our life's work.

The path to happiness is through the sadness.

I love. Not always well. Not always selflessly. Not always in the right language. Not always enough. I love. I am blessed.

Olfaction

Great Salt Lake - the warm wind wafts over the lake in the spring and summer and makes me think of the ocean. Undoubtedly the salt. "Lake stink". I have to admit it makes me meloncholy for Carmel Meadows.

Some families have a smell. On more than one occasion we've identified an errant article of clothing left in the house by smelling it and determining its master. Just like dogs do. We're cool like dogs.

I was so in love with a boy when I was 14 that to this day the fragrance of the laundry detergent that his mother used at the time still reminds me of him.

There is no theory that explains olfactory perception completely. In other words, no one is completely sure how we smell. But a common thought is that our olfactory neurons are each set up to sense a certain molecule and when that airborne molecule fits that particular nerve, we detect it. So, does that mean we are pre-determined smellers? Yes - that's why humans smell fewer things than other mammals. We have fewer olfactory possibilities. Smell is our most potent sense since the neurons are hardwired straight into the brain - there isn't a translating organ as in our other senses. Scent=pure reaction. The limbic system in the brain is where we sense odors, and it's also the area that stores memory and controls emotion. Everything all bunched up together is probably why aroma triggers strong memory and emotion.

My mother-in-law doesn't have a sense of smell. She thought it would be something she would eventually learn to do. She never did. Sometimes dangerous - can't smell smoke. Sometimes great - can't smell poop. Sometimes sad - can't smell pine. And sometimes really, really tragic - she can't tell the difference between some tastes for example. The ones that have a lot to do with smell - pinenuts vs. hazelnuts, root beer vs. dr pepper, pesto vs. garlic, etc. Rich can't smell well either, but his is due to injury, not birth defect. When he does smell something it's very exciting. To me. I should clarify - exciting to me. Not really to him. He's fairly indifferent.

Puke stench stays around. Strong that is.

Nutmeg is for fall and cinnamon is for winter. Lavender is for spring and cotton is for summer. I can remember how my grandma's lotion smelled. And baking bread still reminds me of the bakery near Weisserstein. Brotchen.

Coffee. This one is loaded. The very first whiff of coffee smells like an airplane, and I feel the rush of traveling somewhere. This must be from my childhood. But then I go on an olfactory ride through my grandparents house in Logan and then to Peter's house in Marina, and usually I land there. Cause it's so pleasant - I just stay.

Fish - odd. I don't like fish to eat. But the smell of fish delights me. Usually. When it's the fresh smell - and the stronger the better. San Francisco Fisherman's Wharf - LOVE IT. (I don't however like the smell of tuna fish in the bowl left in the bedroom - not a smell I associate with anything having to do with anything else having to do with the bedroom.)

Pheramones. Very important. Very real. Clean smells. yes. definitely.

Rain. You can smell the dust as it is pushed out of the sky. Warm rain. Can't even begin....