11:50am

11:50am is the hardest part of my day. Well... that's not true entirely. 11:50am is the end of the hardest part of my day and then I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to come down. I don't know if I just need to eat, or to sleep, or to take a drive, or how to recover so I can finish the rest of the day. So today I thought I'd try a little self-therapy.
I'm not sure why I have this blog and someday I suppose it might just dissappear and all of these questions that I'm asking myself will continue to knock around in my head, they just won't appear in living black and white.
By 11:50am on a school day I've seen 195 Jr High students come through my room. I try to teach them all something, but most days I worry that I'm missing the mark. Meaning maybe I'm not trying to teach them the most important things. Like the girl who seems quite a bit different than she was in September. She looks at the ground more and won't do her work even with reminders. She often comes in late, again with her head down, and I haven't seen her smile in months. And the truth is what makes it funny in that movie - she wears more and more eye makeup. What is it that she needs to learn? Probably not much of what I've been trying to teach her.
Then there is the boy whose parents got divorced this summer and he just wants to talk. He'll talk about anything - the game last night, the new dress code policy, the homework he left at his dad's new apartment, his sister's dead cat - but what he really wants to know is if he's going to be ok. And I don't know. I don't know if he'll be ok. And what does ok look like really?
There was a sub across the hall yesterday who was a little frazzled and I assured her that as long as no one left bleeding then the day was a success. But as I thought about it, I've had plenty of blood in my classroom, and guess what - we're still ok - even after bleeding for a while.
And of course there is the charming mob of 9th graders that come into my room flirting, flirt continuously through class and leave flirting. It's what they do. And those that aren't flirting - aren't flirting. By choice. It's what they do. It makes me smile and let out huge gasps of air as I try NOT to LOL.
Remember when we were going to observe a moment of silence on Veteran's Day and I was explaining to my 7th graders that they would need to stop what they were doing and be very still and competely quiet and one of the boys in utter earnestness asked "Will we need to hold our breath?" and how I didn't lol then either? I just said "Nope. Not this time." And the other students nodded, like "ok good to know." The remembrance prompts me to lay my head on my desk and close my eyes and yes - laugh in delight and adoration of youth.
So - lunch is over and soon they will come back. The most tricky class coming up - only 14 of them. But the combination of these particular gems is something else. And I will try to teach them the right things. If you can really concentrate on what they need to learn, and not what you think you can teach - it's easier. But I tell you what, your heart gets a work out.
Have I recovered?

l.o.v.e.

I think it's best to climb into love instead of falling in. Climbing leaves one strong and empowered. Falling so often ends in a thud.

Landmarks

You know in order to look like you are starving, you have to starve a little bit. I'm starving myself currently. I was recently blessed with a come-around-once-in-a-lifetime motivator to lose weight and for the first time in my life I'm actually losing it. Every time I look longingly at a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie that Douglas makes (ALMOST DAILY!) the children remind me that I'm supposed to be losing face fat. I'm obsessed with the idea a little. It's fascinating what kind of emotional energy it takes to purposefully starve yourself. It goes against those self-preservation and self-advocacy principles I try to teach to my children and students.
David got baptized last weekend. It was a landmark day. Douglas got to do the baptizing and I'm not sure there is a more beautiful sight for a mother to see - the one boy with the other. Friends and family were packed in the house after. There are times that I just feel like our lives are so, so rich. We have piles and piles of dear and loyal friends and family. I'm overwhelmed at the thought even now. I don't feel like I've done anything to deserve them, and the gratitude I have for the service and love they give my children is inexpressible.
The colors outside are golden.
My favorite house is for sale.
My children make me laugh. They make me laugh like I used to laugh with my friends. They make me laugh like I laugh at a sleep over or on a road trip. I laugh and I laugh at the thought of laughing. And they laugh. And you know what? I think they feel honored that I would laugh with them. And I feel the same way. Exactly.
We are so close to the same creatures we were when we were in 8th grade.
Mozart's 40th symphony is perfectly mapable.
There are very few things I like more than crystal light right now.
My mother's father's second wife is dying. She lived a strong and happy life. She seemed content and peaceful at the end of her life. She must have done something right. We went to see her to say good-bye. Strange. None of us really wanted to go, but we all knew we had to bring each other. The experience had as much to do with her and us, as us doing something so right together. The children were soft and gentle, but they spoke with animation and joy. They smiled at her and wanted her to know they were comfortable there with her - like that - so close to the last breath. I think my grandpa and grandma are both waiting for her - and her first husband too. Of course. It's time to go when there is more waiting for you somewhere else than where you are. But the going.... I can't think of it.
I am walking around this planet in a prevalently confused state - but it is a gorgeous place to be. A gorgeous place to be.

Wrong Emotions

Someone asked me tonight if it was possible to have the wrong emotions. I'm not sure. But there are definitely emotions I wish I didn't have. But just because I wish they were absent, does that mean they are wrong? I believe in thinking errors. Is that the same thing? What do you do to purge unwanted emotions? I talk a lot. A lot. To myself. A lot. I also walk - uphill very fast - and when something gets in my way.... Anyway - I walk. And sometimes I run if its really bad. Good behavior? Is that enough?
I came in tonight at 1:20am (not typical) and as I came around the corner, Orion was hanging in the black sky. I was breathless for a moment.
I came across a gorgeous quote by Rilke Rainer - "Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can
grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes
it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky."
Why is it that when we realize something is supposed to be hard or wrong or difficult or scary - all of a sudden we can handle it? Those secondary emotions.
The week upcoming is a doosie.
How do you spell doosie? doozy? dousie? doohzee? duzy?
But wow that quote - acceptance. Maybe that's it. acceptance.
Here's what I want to do this week - accept things, see things as they really are, feel no resentment or place blame.

Ok mom, so you know what's awesome?...

David. This was the beginning of his description of his birthday week at school. It's birthday week here. J and D. A year has passed. Interesting what got written. So much did not. I'm not sure what to do about that except to see and think and move forward.
Do you know what's awesome? Driving to Bear Lake in 2010 with the 4 kids in the truck and listening to them sing John Denver songs like one should - at the top of their lungs.
There was a trip from California to Utah that I remember so well. It could have been last Wednesday. I remember Rich got out of the car to pay for gas I think. While he was gone for just a minute, I missed him. I realized for a second that I wanted him to come back. He got in the car and I rested. He sang John Denver songs at the top of his lungs for 609 miles. I didn't like John Denver - had no intention of falling in love with a boy who liked John Denver. And there I was, hoping this boy would always come back to me. That was the first inkling that I had that we may be doing this for a while. That summer he took me to a John Denver concert in Park City and we both sang at the top of our lungs. We went to Bear Lake that summer. To the cabin. I met uncles and aunts and cousins. I slept in a small bed with his sisters and laughed myself to sleep. I'm certain we listened to more John Denver on the way and back, and Rich probably wore that blue and green flannel shirt that I loved to nestle in so much. And that Ford Mustang. There wasn't room in that car for kids. But there is room in the truck. There is room for four. Exactly. And they've arrived. They sing. They love John Denver. And they love the cabin. They play in the sand and play with cousins and they bring me colored leaves and they get cold and nestle in and we laugh at scrabble and sit and stare at each other. And they keep coming back. They get in the truck every time. They fill up my senses. And I can't believe that there are moments that I don't soak in. There are. But I hope I've stopped to listen to the singing often enough that I'll hear it in my head when they aren't in my kitchen anymore. I hope they sing it in someone else's car and some day there will be more little ones tromping through the house singing at the top of their lungs.... I can't wait. Know what's awesome? Time.

...like the night of cloudless climes...

I think this week the name of the game is "feeling like it". I have to figure out a way to feel like it. Feel like going to school, feel like making dinner, feel like rotating laundry. Feel like doing anything but staring out the window.
Do you know those times that come around when you just have to soak in the last few months - years,.... the last decade or so? I think I'm soaking. And I wonder what I'll think of all of it in the end. I hope I'll think it's beautiful.
She walks in beauty.....
That's as far as I want to go. Somehow everything is more beautiful when the light is dim and there is melancholy music in the background. Jim Carrey said "the only thing wrong with real life is there's no danger music". I would probably choose the soundtrack to some gorgeous romantic movie. And then would my life be more beautiful? Dim the lights and turn up the music? Is that it? Will that make me feel like it? If I looked at all the snapshots on a slow dissolve in my mind? Yes...... I'm certain.
There are a lot of kisses on the head. A lot of laughing. Sometimes Jessie and I can't stop. Douglas talks to me. A lot. David is so happy to see me at 4:00 and Corinne can't get enough squeezes in a day. I can't believe I'm in charge of this group. Oh.
And Rich. He and I are just getting started. Somehow that is magically so.

So what is beauty? A slow glance around the room to assure myself that all is well. Children are safe, husband is home and we are - together. In every sense of the word.
I walk in beauty.....


ps - if you read this while listening to something from the Amelie soundtrack - you may just want to be me.

Chopping wood and hauling water

I walked tonight. The walk is so important. We got drenched, Andi and I. My children couldn't believe how wet I was when I came in the door. Rich is fixing the sink and so the water is turned off in the house. A warm shower is indefinitely postponed. So I'm writing. Writing is also important. Yesterday I went on a walk with my children for Mother's Day. It took us an hour to walk to the temple. We didn't talk about anything that we'll remember, but they all want to take that walk again next week. Douglas carried David on his shoulders up the steepest part - from Vineyard to Bountiful blvd. I was amazed. I have charming children. They deserve a cleaner house, a quieter mother and more help with their homework. Yet, they stick around. When school is out I'm going to try to walk to Mueller Park twice a week. It's my favorite walk. It quiets my brain. Tonight it's still pretty noisy. I guess I didn't walk long enough. But remember how it was raining? We built a fire in the backyard tonight and roasted hot dogs and marshmellows. I make the kids eat the 40 cal wieners. (That sounds funny.) They aren't very good. But then there are calories left over for nutella smores. My hair smells like campfire. The water is off in the house. Rich is fixing the sink. We haven't had running water in the sink for about 2 weeks. Yesterday my grandma LaRue told me she hauled water to her house from a well that was 8 miles away. They put it in a huge barrel next to the house. One day when she was about 10 or so she was climbing down a ladder next to the barrel, carrying her cat. She dropped the cat into the barrel on accident and never told a soul. The family drank from the barrel - including her. She said maybe that's what stunted her growth - the cat water. I love her. I've been hauling water in from the bathroom, and we don't have any cats. I'm blessed.